Having a mommy blog, I get messages every once in a while from people reminding me that I am more than a mom. I know that I am more than a mom. It’s just that for me, being a mom is my most sacred part of who I am. I finally was able to reach every part of myself, confidently.
Today is Mother’s Day and when I think about celebrating motherhood, I can’t help but feel completely emotional about my (almost three year old) son. We woke up this morning and I told him, “Baby, today is Mommy’s day…can you wish mommy a happy mommy’s day?” he replied, “No mommy’s day…it’s Pano’s day!”. I couldn’t help but laugh and I had to agree. It is Pano’s day. Without him, I wouldn’t be celebrated today.
So, I thought it was an appropriate day that I upload a blog that I’ve worked on little by little for months (always stopping because it makes me cry writing it, lol). After all, I originally started this blog to have a time capsule of our lives as my children grew and for them read one day, themselves. So this blog is an open letter to my first born. The one who named me Mommy.
My first baby,
You made me a mommy. You’ve opened my heart up more than I ever knew it could stretch without exploding. It’s funny because I don’t know why I ever questioned if I’d become a mommy one day. I felt you so deep in my soul, I saw you in my dreams and I knew all about you before you came into my arms. You’re much more than I ever expected but you’re the boy I was connected to with every part of my being.
In a couple months, we’re going to welcome your little sister home. I know you’re going to make me so proud to see you be a big brother; a protector, a teacher and a best friend. I know you won’t always be up for the role and may act out but I understand. Daddy and I had to learn new ways when we became each other’s family and then again when we brought you home. It’s only natural that this will be a learning curve for you and probably us too. But there’s no doubt in my mind that your role as a brother will be your best role yet.
I don’t want you to worry about how a sibling will change my love for you. It wont ever change it. The thing about mommy’s is, we don’t have to split our love. Our heart just expands again and we have all the love in the world for your sibling without having to take any away from you. Amazing, huh?
Your sister will come into our home soon and she will need me. I won’t be able to pick you up whenever you ask me to or give you hugs as soon as you want one. I won’t be able to play dinosaurs with you sometimes or lay in bed with you right when you ask. But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. We will find a way to have our time. And we will make new games to play all together.
Since the day I found out I was expecting another baby, I took you into bed with me and cuddled you tight. You haven’t left my bed since, lol. I often cry putting you to bed. Mostly because I’m in disbelief that another day has gotten by us. Also, because anyone who’s a parent knows that no baby is more precious than a sleeping baby. I stare at your sweet face and quickly forget the parts of the day that weren’t easy, the messes or the sass. I look at that peaceful, angelic face dreaming away and try to take a photograph in my memory of every detail of your little face.
The girl who couldn’t wait til bedtime to get in my own bed and binge watch my shows, often misses watching even one episode of something because I’m in awe of you instead. As I hold you in my arms and put you to sleep, I always pray to God.
Lord, please don’t let me forget the way his little squishy, hot hands feel.
He may not remember me holding them all night but I pray that because I did, it always feels comfortable for him to continue to hold mine and he wont let go.
Please let me remember his light blue jammies with the red helicopters.
I know he wont remember them and he’s growing out of them quickly. Soon it will be something new he wants to wear. I pray that he remembers that mommy grows to love whatever he loves simply because he does.
Lord, please don’t let me forget the way he stares into my eyes while I run my fingers through his hair. And the sound of his heavy breathing.
He may not remember because soon he will be putting himself to sleep. I pray that when he puts his own babies to bed one day, he will lay with them like this because maybe a faint memory will come in his mind of the comfort he felt when his mommy did.
Please let me remember the way he smiles when I tell him I love him and when I rub my nose against his giving him “Nosey Eskimos”.
He may not remember this now but I pray that for the rest of his life, when I tell him these words (and always mean them) he will smile. And this may be stretching too far, but maybe he will still let me sneak a quick “Nosey Eskimo” even when he’s grown.
Lord, please don’t let me forget the way he would say, “I do” instead of I love you.
He wont remember how it came about-when I didn’t know the lyrics to the song ‘skidamarink’ so I made up my own, singing “i love you, i love you, i love you…i do, i do, i do” but when he hears me say, I Do, I hope he remembers it means, I love you too.
I wish I could freeze every special moment. I want to always remember your little eyelashes, eye brows, your “spikey teeth” as you calls them, your messy hair and sweaty toes.
I know you’re never going to remember this time where it’s just the two of us. I know you’re not going to even be able to understand just how much you filled my heart. But I hope because of these special years together, our foundation is built so solid that we will only add stronger layers on top it it for the rest of our lives.
You made me a mommy. You made me grow. I became more compassionate, more understanding, more loving and more confident because of you. You made me a better person. You fixed every empty part of me and filled it with more love than someone could imagine.
So, today when I am celebrating motherhood, I thank you for changing my life in the most magical way. I can’t wait for all the adventures we have ahead of us as a family of four. Until then my love, let the dinosaur hunts and cuddles for two continue.
I love you, I love you, I love you…I do, I do, I do.
Find joy in all of your journey,